So, welcome to the New Year. It feels roomier here, there’s more potential. I like it, and it scares me. Good things, bad things, mistakes, achievements. They’re all bearing down on me like a steam engine with bellowing dark smoke rising out of it. Shiny and beautiful, but terrible all at the same time.
I welcome this New Year with great trepidation. Yet, the potential gives me hope, it can be anything and everything. It could be nothing. No matter what it brings, I’ll not allow it to carry me away. I won’t run. I’ll not win every battle, but the war will be mine.
I’m not one to make resolutions anymore. I’ve made them in the past. I write them on a piece of paper and tuck them away from prying eyes. I’ll find them again a year later and laugh. I don’t laugh at the things I wrote, not really. I am, if anything else, a well intentioned fool. I laugh because I hid the paper so well I forgot about it and the things I wrote.
You can’t change if you’ve forgotten how you’ve planned on changing.
Welcome to my problem. The thing that hangs me up every time. Change. I have a love-hate relationship with change. It has brought me good things. It has brought me bad things. I always look at it with the same wary eyes that I watch a spider. Sometimes, I admire it’s beauty and quake at the thought of what it could do to me.
Mostly, I just want to ignore it.
So this year, I’ll not force change. I’ll let change happen and I’ll try to meet it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster. Let the steam engine overcome me, let the spider bite. The war is mine, these are just battles to be fought. I won’t run from them. I won’t run into them. I won’t run.
Tomorrow, I’ll probably feel silly. I am used to hiding these things from prying eyes after all. But for today, it makes me feel strong and strength is what I need for today. Tomorrow, things will go back to their scheduled program. Today, just needed to happen.
Today, I won a battle.